my hour glass

deceived

2009-12-04T14:08:00.004+08:00

I bumped into you at the coffee house. An awkward moment I must say. After months of not meeting up, we sat for a chat. It seems that you like the new life of yours. You were allot friendlier as our friendship before was only acquaintanceship. Not blaming you as I myself too did not gave you the chance. We chat for long as though we have just met. Started our friendship from scratch, I noticed that you are not bad of a person after all. I've always had the thing for you but the years back then, I was shy.

You beautify the conversation by saying that you were glad we had this conversation and it was nice to see me again. Was that not an ordinary statement after long returns from a friend? But this time I felt that it is not as such, no movie lines or plays had them, he meant it. How? By the look of his eyes. We laugh like we have not laugh before. our smile, so genuine, so sincere. I have never seen you smile that much. I was the cause you admited. I did not agree with your thoughts but just a polite smile in return. You are allot different.

Our conversation did not end in the coffee house, we continued. Hours on the phone, late night texts. Is as though we have so much to talk about. He was someone that I grew fond of. My heart skipped a beat when I get his text message. Was eager to hear from him. Never have I fail to glance through your page on facebook, over again and again. Like most story goes, the feeling of likeness grew but I decided to not go with it. I avoided. I was afraid of what his reply will be. We will remain as friends. I drew the line.

I did not see any of this coming. I was afraid the next time you wanted to meet me but ever anxious to hear you ask me out. I grew fonder of you by the day. Your sweet words meant so much to me. I'm meeting no one if you were so eager to know. Honestly why me? You keep returning to me without a hint of likeness, or am I that selfish to not noticed it. I do not understand. Part of me liked where we are heading to. Your random questions impresses me at most times, never ending nice comments about me, your sincere thoughts about me and acts you do to make me laugh.

I think about you allot lately, I do hope you do the same but I doubt on that.

another saturday

2009-11-01T21:13:00.008+08:00

31st Nov 2009.

xoxo :)

trick or treat?

2009-11-01T14:47:00.009+08:00

another weekend passed. I've been doing nothing much. Going out alot. Not doing my calculas tutorials. Oh dear, I've been infront of my computer screen for hours! and the best part not feeling any bit of guilt. I realy need to get back on track. I'll be doing 6 subjects 18 credit hours, next semester to catch up and YES I am determine to get it all done with a HIGHH CGPA. I have vowed!

30th nov 2009

what a night. goodnight.

i need caffeine in my blood stream.

2009-10-29T11:33:00.005+08:00

craig david is on my playlist and everytime when i listen to his music, it gives me a different feeling. I tend to remember what happened during dec '07 :)

oh dear so much has been going on lately. Undone essays, never ending assignments and upcoming final exams in 3 weeks. I am only taking 3 subjects this semester, alright 2 excluding Islamic studies. I hate the fact that I do not have a timetable to follow, alot of free time but at the same time, never ending workload. Nonetheless, I just being plain lazy to start on any.

I skipped class today as I was sick, real sick yesterday. I was down with an awful flu and I was literally holding a BOX of tissue everywhere I went. I was dizzy, high? well after the two tablets I had from jichuan, then 2 more active fast I found in my wallet and another after dinner. Came back after a long day at eight, put my stuff away and went to bed. I was awaken by the vibration of my mobile at midnight. Feeling like shit I took another tablet. I was feeling shivering. I had a fever. Verdict, it is definitely not fun to be sick!

The weather is terrible. The sun is blazing, heat arising but I've got a feeling that it will rain later in the evening? yeah it will. Make up your mind alright mr weather. Please reduce my trouble of changing, everytime. And I haven't been eating healthily. Junk food, crackers, and chocolates have been my meals. Well just because the mamak shops and nasi goreng kampung have been making me sick. Too much of them is just no good. I am always hungry. I wanna have home cook food. I think I'll go back this week.

At times I just love life as it is but now, with my nose still red, it hurts resulting in the sniffles I had yesterday, my tummy grumbling, still feeling high, body aching, (I swear it was gym! being missing i-can-do-it-too, I did 100 pounds, 6 sets of 15. OUCH!) I need to go home or a shopping therapy atleast :) oh I've been spending too much too actually. I need to stop!

i wanna go back when it all started. Never had I got to think about what to have for dinner. Never had I got to plan a timetable to follow. Never had i got to worry about friends that misjudge you because you like pink. Lecturers that give you a 18/20 because you just praised them. Oh ADP is definitely a kiss ass program.

I just wanna go home.

not my day.

2009-10-01T21:36:00.002+08:00

man i feel so depressed :( my headache's killing me. No, I do not have a migrain. No, not having my period either. Just emo. Plain emo.

COLLEGE APPLICATION

My personal statement to be more exact. I have got tons to do. I was glad that I got over one but oh dear, ten more awaits. College application's such a hassel. Have not got my recommendation letters, not progression on my resume and dear dear me, I feel like I have the world on my shoulders. The conselors are not helping. The essay topics are so demanding. College admissions require to know about my whole life.

SAT

That's another pig that I've not tamed. I know that I can so manage this but this rusty brains of mine have been still in a rusting mode. It's time to turn it off already. I hate to regret after all that has happened and know that I could have done better. Oh GOD, I need Thy strength. I'm helpless without you.

BLA...BLA...

I have been pleasing the crowd too much. Can't you stand firm already! It has been a masquerade ball all this while and it's time that the clock strikes 12 princess. Shooo. Go home and wake up from Disney land. Happily ever after do not exist. Waltz Disney should be sued though for lying to kids. HMMPH! I told you. Emo.

reflection

2009-09-26T11:52:00.017+08:00

i miss those days

Everyone dashed into the dining hall. We were dressed in baju kurungs and baju melayus. As usual the food are placed on the table and the menu for the day was briyani rice, my favorite. We took our seats and waited anxiously for the clock to hit seven-thirty five, the time for break fast. It was the month of Ramadhan, we broke fast together. As I heard the chatter and laughter from my Malay friends, I smiled to myself. I had no regrets I have no regrets studying in a boarding school. My perception about life changed when my mum enrolled me in a boarding school, miles away from the comforts of home when I was 13 years old. "Yayasan Saad Foundation College" was where i spent my five years of teenage life. Little did I know about the life in a boarding school, I left home on my first away from the security of home.

In a new environment, we have to accept changes. The number of students in my college varied from 270 to 300 students a year, consisting of a large number of Malay-Muslim followed by a handful of Chinese and Indians. I had been speaking the English language till elementary school but it became a challege when Malay language was the Lingua Franca in the boarding school. I used to speak the Malay language only in my Malay classes. Apart from that, my first language at home is English. Although it was a private boarding school where the English language was emphasized, outside classes the Malay language was used all the time. I knew that communication was the main tool to blend in with the rest of my Malay-Muslim friends, I learnt, observed and listened closely how Malays spoke the Malay language. Speaking the language as frequently as I could. I did not allow the language barrier to stop me from interacting with my friends.

At times, the many challenges I had to face mainly overwhelmed me. Being human, I wanted to quit and turn back. But then again, I was not ready to face the consequences and slowly and surely I learnt that if I did not push my limits, I would not be able to know how far I can go. There were limited culinary choices- the daily menu were mainly Malay dishes but I chose to be contented and actually liked the Malay food alot. I thought I got over the gender crisis where speaking with someone from the opposite was a taboo, the girls and boys had to be separated almost all the time. For instance, we sat on different ends in the classrooms, dinning hall and have different days in using the swimming pool.

I managed to learn about a new religion, Islam. I participated fully in all the activities in school but I was not involve in any religious events. However, I still found time to learn from my fellow Muslim friends about their religion and culture.

Apart from having some special religious laws to follow, my Muslim friends were exactly the same as I am. Five years have passed, and now if I had to compare myself to any of my non-Muslim friends, I am glad to have had the experience in living with them. I respect Islam and admire my fellow Muslim friends whose devoutness often leaves me ashamed of my own piety. Nonetheless, I did not allow my desire of knowing about another religion shake my belief as a practicing Christian. I still read the bible daily and always use the bible as my guide line. I know now that I can live in any environment with people from any religion.

Reality Check.

2009-09-26T10:58:00.003+08:00

I played dumb, I chose to play dumb. Well isn't that what girls are designed to be.

The night finally came, a book in my hand, 'I am Muslim' by Dina Zaman, the wind from the electrical blade that twirls, my shoulders so weak in result of the lifting of dumb bells. I shouldn't have tried too hard.

Going to gym is the new hobby of mine at the moment. Or shall I put it, a new lifestyle:) I didn't much thought of getting in shape or losing weight when I enrolled in as it is more of getting rid of the unnecessary stress as the day ends. Being on the treadmill for hours or may it be lifting weights, I feel relaxed. I wonder why too. A new fact about myself, I cannot do free weights. My arms tend to go out of place. Weight machines are still my best friends:)

Islamic studies. And again and again, what did I bother taking this subject when I can take the easy path, Moral Studies. As questions of, ' What made you choose Islamic Studies,' 'Eh, do you happened to be a Muslim?' ' Are you doing a research on Muslims?' go. I will then answer, ' Just for extra knowledge, It wouldn'e hurt will it?' Then again, it is beyong those few words. As a practicing Christian, I decided to take my faith level a step higher. A risk, a challege, a fight. I wanted to know why are Muslims so passionate about thier religion and practise being one as long as they have breathe. Why? I respect Islam and admire my fellow Muslim friends whose devoutness often leaves me ashamed of my own piety. I sometimes wonder, or is it just me that wants to be different from the crowd? I have so many questions that I myself cannot answer. What a shame. But then again, I will stand strong in what God wants me to be. And a follower of Christ.

Everybody has a reputation. If you were to ask to decribe each of your friends in a single sentence, your description would reflect their reputations. How would I be described as? Often I admit that I have been pleasing others too much so that they would have accept me. A self-esteem problem? I wonder again. It's just being plain human i guess. Pleasing the world too much. I forgot about the creator, My creator.

Lord, I want my actions, words and attitudes to represent you. Help me have the reputation of someone who trusts, loves and obeys you.

Amen.

Simple words, HUGE attention.

I am.

2009-08-23T18:16:00.002+08:00

I am who God says I am,

I wonder why evolution collides with religion,

I hear philosophers saying it without a doubt,

I see that both cannot collaborate,

I want to know what's with 'Science vs God'

I am who God says I am.

I pretend that my religion is all I know,

I feel that I'm being too judgemental about it,

I touch Science and my stand on my religion trembles,

I worry that this fumbles my morals,

I cry to know that I'm aware of this indecisiveness of mine,

I am who God says I am.

I understand that it all comes down to having FAITH,

I say, ' With faith, all things will work out well'

I dream that this eager to know fades away,

I try to understand, is it me or just being plain human,

I am who God says I am.

The thought of the day.

2009-08-20T23:33:00.003+08:00

lost.

The fear of being alone haunts her, not being the fit in the crowd makes her tremble even more, the thought of her not having a companion just withers her soul. A low self- esteem? She does not know any better.

And then again, why these random thoughts always appears? The unnecessary thoughts that will only mislead her to the actual path, the route of light that unfortunately only found by the few. As she cry myself to bed, who is it to blame?

'Me being imperfect for the world? Or just the people of the world being plain mean'

She thinks that she is thinking too much.

Teach her how to go with the flow. A laid back and stress less, lady you say? you definitely do not know her well enough. Done with too much reflecting, she wants an answer already!

She's just helpless, where have the spirit of enthusiasm went? A weekling has she became. Being envious of happy relationships, and she thought that 'happily ever after' does not exsist.

Why? Why? Why?

And 'I do not know' will not be accepted as an answer.

a child of God.

2009-07-03T03:22:00.003+08:00

a child that is brought to life,
as he takes his first breath of life,
a smile of relieve on her face,
all was worth while.

his eyes so innocent,
his hands so supple,
his smile so genuine,
his touch so soft.

created in God's very own image,
to be call a child of God,
to be brought up in ways that he should,
as he will not depart from it.

oh the DRAMA! national service!

2009-07-03T02:15:00.006+08:00

a timetable not followed by many, ALL!

0600 – Rise and shine!!

Yes not a very usual time for me. I only sleep at 6! Wash up, get into my sports attire and off to the place to gather. We were suppose to gather at the padang kawat before anything. There the 'Penghulu' aka the head of the whole team does his head count and reports in to the jurulatih bertugas. He looks exactly like Hugo just he was a little taller and does not knows how to smile!

0645 – Walks to another field ( 200m away)

As the camp that I am in isn't very big compared to the others, all the facilities are out of it. Tha means allot of walking. The total number of trainees are 336, other camps 500++. After gathering, we walk, sometimes jog to the bigger field. There, the normal routine.

1.Lagu Negaraku dinyayikan
2.The Wira- Wirawati Song which is the only song which I cant memorize.
3.The Ikrar
4.Then the doa

Then later, we will start with morning exercise. More of warming up moves, aerobic and sometimes narian seni ( 30 minutes of different malay dances) Healthy as it is, you don't see any trainee enjoying it. My bed is calling u idiots!

0745 – Breakfast

The breakfast menu is most likely the same for everyday. You will have 2 slices of bread ( spread with jam or kaya) A hard boiled egg and then noodles or fried rice. I was already getting bored of it the second week. Not a big fan of having breakfast, I didnt even had my chance of having breakfast tho. Mine was Branch!=P So as always, i skipped breakfast and head straight to my dorm.

0830 – Classes start!

Classes only start at 0900 but the people here are SUPER punctual! There aren't only punctual but early and wayy to early. Back in school, everything were so different. If there's a roll call at 0900, we line up only ay 0905. Isn't that our Malaysian culture? After gathering and the head count we enter our different classes. We have this 'Character Building' class everyday from 0900 till 1230. 'Thats long! What do we learn? ' you might ask. Now I tell you, the unnecessary! How to build the inner man, know your good qualities, how you manage your enemies. Ahh, those logic thinking material. A waste of time. In the first class I was placed in group 4, there's this girl I met. Her name's emilia from taiping and was studying in SSP. While others are having fun adapting in the camp she was the opposite. She was this different malay, not conservative and was crazy! Thank God there was her, we didnt join the class much. Not at all to be exact. We talked allot, among ourselves and was always out of class.

1230 – Lunch

The food here isn't really that bad, just that I wasn't a big fan of rice which seems to be on the menu everyday. And after tasting the nasi ayam, I agree that there isn't any nasi ayam that can replace nasi ayam kys. After that we head to our dorms to rest for the next prepared activies in the evening. The place is freeking hot in the afternoons. The sun's blazing HOT! The temperature keeps getting higher. The water's really cold no matter when, so its kinda chilly. But still-ILL, the condition of the washroom. Memang tak nak masuk once you daa keluar. Spider webs, sand all over the floor and cloudy water in the kolah. I didnt know how I survived the 14 days!

1430 – Physical activities

As usual we gather at the padang kawat. The head count and reporting. Goshh did I not tell you that the sun's still blazing all noon. Plus the baju lengan panjang and the topi yang berwarna hitam yang serap haba. Goshhh, ill let you imagine it. Heat, sweat, plus plus the Indians. They have really long bushy hair that touches their ass and they smell. PLUSS, you can see lice crawling all over their hair. You do not need glasses to notice them. Just your bare eyes!

We are still in the early months which we will be doing allot to theory instead of practical. Ceramah, ceramah and more ceramah. Oh ya, we started on marching. That's the part which I really hate. Is not that I have horrible body coordination but with the really heavy outfit plus the 10kilos of boots and not forgetting the flaming hot sun! Mann you seriously do not wanna be in that state for long.

1630 – Teabreak

Then after that we have teabreak which I quite fancy at times. Muffin, roti canai and sometimes even mee bandung. Then rest will attend to prayers while the rest do their own business. Then we change again for 'riadah' time.

1730 – Riadah

Err, it's actually sports. There arent a specific game or sports planned. Everyone does their own business. Some jog, the guys play touch, girls volleyball while the rest play the fishing game ( the guys whistle, the girls giggles) This slot should be free tho. Nothing much to do.

1830 – Dinner

We all head to the dinning hall for dinner. Normal, rice and lauk pauk yang tak sedap di pandanganku. The night's normally free. They have tazkirah every night till Isyak. The place is kinda pretty at night. There's a pond at the entrance, beside the dinning hall. You can see the stars clearly there, kawasan perkampungan. Quiet, the wind against your face. Nak muckoff best laa. Buka2 mata, hilang semua fantasy.

2300 – Roll call

Its really funny how things work here. All so very early plus very military. All have to stay in pretty 3 by 15 lines and then gotta march from place to place, tak kisah dekat or jauh. And then they have this other roll call at 2300 to check weather all is in the camp. And mase you march to the padang kawat you have to nyanyi or jerit2 the company's cheer. The groups are called companies. Ther are
A – alpha
B – bravo
C – Charlie
D – Delta

Girls are around 40 per group while the gentlemen, 50.

Well, I survived the 14 days and seriously hoping that there is no going back. A good experience but a waste of time and no need LAH! Touch N go mum says.

Thank God i'm done with NS already!

haiyoo, not ready la!

2009-07-03T01:09:00.008+08:00

You calm the waves into still waters

my plate is so full and so is my mind. the unnecessary!

1. leaving for kl.

another come and go situation! here i am all settled with the environment, the usual hangouts and oh dear it is time to leave! i somehow feel like a hobo person. is tiring to re adapt, the getting to know new people and going through new dramas. well some will say it would be a nice start with new people and a new you. others, you get to venture into a new life, a different view, gain different experience. isn't that what life is all about. but hey, it's uneasy being in a stranger's crib. all will admit it. no familiar faces, people you can trust? you've got to find new ones and mind you, they are the minority. not ready! not ready!

2. packing!

oh i just forgot how to. first i got my umrah bag ( my oh so huge bag. people use huge bags to go for umrah for months)! and filled with clothes, the daily wear. not enough space, got another umrah bag, as it was already half full oh dear what about books? toiletries? accessories? and yada yada. i forgot how to do packing! you see not prepared!

3. i miss you la:D

i admit it, i will miss my friends over here. already am! well is not the first time leaving penang but i suddenly feel so attached, feels like home already. the jokes and never ending laughter,late night supper,weekend hangouts, smiles, the sincerity, generosity. i'm not ready to make new ones. and again, not ready!

4. home

mum's nagging, doing house chores:D i actually kind of got use to it. dad's h so lame jokes and during his story time. telling us what happened in court, about his oh so serious cases and how he spoke against his defendant, as we gather in the living room after dinner. having to fight for the tv with my brother on what channel to watch and to tease him when his cellphone rings. late night supper with them. is all being miss independent again when i'm away. no reminders, no wake up calls, no mum, no dad. not ready to start all over again!

then again, all are just the unnecessary. letting the petty issues clog the streams of living water. no way! they're just obstacles. i saw, i conquered! He didn't think much about the manner of soil which can produce good crops or the river that could supply clear sparking water, he just do it! there were no in between.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

the science behind the 10 plagues in egypt

2009-06-06T14:50:00.004+08:00

Just thought it would be interesting to put this down. Will do it list style.

The Plagues happened at the same time as a massive volcano eruption. The volcano Santorini sent ash in to the air effecting the surrounding area. The ash is found in Cairo and the Nile River, proven by testing the composition of the ash. This volcanic eruption happened between 1500-1650BC while the Plagues happened between 1400-1550BC. So it fits there.

1st Plague. River ran red LIKE blood. But there is a common algae plume called the Red Tide. This makes the river, or any water, look red like blood. Why did this happen? The ash changes the PH level of the river allowing the algae to bloom.

2nd Plague. Frogs. The algae is killing fish. Fish eat frog eggs. No fish, record number of frogs. Frogs can't live in polluted water and so leave the river.

3rd and 4th Plague. Lice and flies. The translation can actually be lice, fleas, gnats, or midges. But you have riverfull of dead fish, and now dead frogs. This brings the insects of the 3rd and 4th Plague.

5th Plague. Pestilence. Flies, dead frogs, dead fish, easy enough no?

6th Plague. Boils. Certain types of flies that bite can leave behind boils. The bites get infected, they turn in to boils.

7th Plague. Fire and Hail. Ash in the air causes a mixture of ash and water. The ash, very high in the air, causes the water to freeze so when it falls it is hail and not rain. The fire? I saw this amazing picture in Nat. Geo. of a volcanic eruption. There was red lightning. It was amazing to see bright red lightning. Why is it red? Chemicals in the ash makes red lightning. So fire in the sky, and hail.

8th Plague. Locusts. Locusts come about when the ground is very damp. They bury their eggs in the sand about 4-6 inches. After record amount of hail the ground would be very wet allowing the locusts to form.

9th Plague. Darkness. Ash in the air. After am eruption in 1815 there was darkness for 600 kilometers. After Krakatoa it was dark for even farther for days.

10th Plague. Death of First born. In Egypt the first born was king. They would be the one to lead the family after the father died. When food was scarce the first born ate first and some times was the only one to eat. After locusts ate every thing there was only grain locked in vaults. The hail got it wet, locust feces, it made it moldy. And so when only the first born ate, they were the only ones killed by moldy grain.

Simple right? Back then they never would have known. Back then lightning was His wrath. Back then a disease was His punishment. Back then nature was unknown. But when you look at it with science... not that big a deal.

PSD scholarship for dummies.

2009-05-25T21:05:00.005+08:00

Oh dear dear, the competition has been from tough to tougher! The endless criteria, complains upon complains in the papers? Students having 14 1As not getting the PSD scholarship? what is there more to ask?

The main thing, do not panic and give up upon applying. PSD offers a wide selection of course and not forgetting they also make sure that their scholars get jobs after graduating. Well most wouldn't like the fact that there is a bond to serve but think again, there are so many unemployed graduates these days.

Well the criteria now is not about the As. Low and behold, PSD definitely expects more from an ordinary straight A student. The question is what to they want? Well from my point of view, an ALL ROUNDER. Many will be scratching their heads, how? There were no guide lines. Yes of course the involvement in school, curricular activities. A sport, a club and a society is good enough. Please do not be jack of all trades but gain nothing in the end. Focus on a few will do. And remember, the medals aren't important the certificates are the ones that speak. Students in the form 4, get involve in as many competitions. May it involve the school or the state, just go for it because you might want to slow down during the next year. Your involvement in high school can also give credit while you applying for universities overseas.

Ok. Let’s say you're shortlisted. Congrats. You're one step nearer to the scholarship. Don't forget the interview time, panel, and location. What to prepare? This will be your big question. You got a few things to take care of. I say: attire, self-introduction, documents and most importantly be mentally prepared and confident. Something that you can't gain overnight.

First impression, your main weapon.
What to wear?

In my opinon,
Males:
Slack (black or brown)
Leather shoes ( please avoid shoe soles that makes noises and please please no sports shoes even though black ones )
Long sleeve (Never wear short sleeves, keep it plain and not to striking of a colour. The safest is a white shirt. Well the panels one to focus on you and definitely not on your sense of fashion. That explains why business people only wear black and white, to project the person)
Tie (Definitely a must and make sure the colour goes well with your shirt)
Belt (Another important item, making sure you look smart. Do not wear belts that have huge buckles. Spare them for another day.)

Females:
Baju kurung ( Yes, i strongly recommend this. Less prints, mild coloured and not body hugging. DO NOT wear kebaya, kebarung or baju melayu moden. As mentioned, they do not judge your sense of fashion )
Suit (A suite if fine as well, just make sure it is NOT tight and doesn't show your body shape too much)
Leather shoes (Covered. Do not worry if you do not wear heels, ballet flats are fine. Those who wish to wear heels, not more then 2 inches)

What to fit in your clear holder?

First things first, your clear holder MUST be dark coloured. Do not use the fluorescent coloured files as it will be rather unprofessional. Everything must be as simple as possible. Well there will be a guide line every year, which also differs from year to year. You have you check this yourself.

The certificates, arrange from your highest achievement to the rest. Although you have tons of certificates, be wise in inserting which. DO NOT overflow your file with the unnecessary and DO NOT insert all, it will only bore the panels. Remember they have so many other files to look through.

Anything else to prepare before-hand?
Write a script on self introduction. It is always good to prepare this mentally

1. Name
2. Last previous school (your high school)
3. Parents occupation (mentioned both and do not brag if your parents are earning tons)
4. Siblings (just mentioned the number and their current status. Good enough)
5. Your involvement (the curricular activities you were involved, the competitions, basically they want to know what kind of person you were in school)
6. Your course ( The MAIN thing. You must be very familiar of your course. The university that you wish to study, name it. This proves to them that you have been doing your homework and you want this scholarship allot!)

It's just a brief sketch in your head about what you will be saying. DO not memorise! DO NOT try to hard on impressing them as well, just be yourself and do not fake it. Your eye contact is also very important when you speak. Look straight in to their eyes.

You're on your formal attire, holding a clear holder. And having one or two pens (or pencils) in your pocket, as well as 1 thick covered notebook (some people bring test pad or A4 papers with plastic folder). You need a thick one as a base because there is no table provided for you to write, so most probably you write on your thigh and of course something hard is needed so that you can write really fast!

Upon reaching there, search for name lists and sign beside your name (that doesn't really matter, if I’m not wrong). And proceed to the kerani(s); most probably they're just next to the door of interviewing room, insulated. There, you have to sign your name this time, to show that you're present. And then the kerani will ask you to take the original copy out, as well as the photocopied ones. She/he will check and make a few marks there and they're kept. This means you're not bringing the documents into the room. The kerani's will do for you. The groups are arranged this way: 8am, 10am, 2pm or maybe got other time) Most probably it'll be done in 2 rounds or 3, each round take more or less 1 hour. So this means you really got to wait there long unless you're lucky enough being the first batch to enter the interviewing room. Relax and check who's goin' to be with you. Try to be familiar with them and make friends with them. Talk and share things with them. I did that and it really feels great. Of course if you want to, mix with others from other panel and group too! This'll temporarily make you forget about that interview thing and relax for a bit.

When it's your turn, the kerani will give you all number-tag and wear them. She/he will ask you all to line up at the door to the interviewing room. Take a deep breath. Knock the door, stick your head in, greet them and ask permission to go in. Just say it loud enough. They WILL reply to you, don't worry. Go in and stand right in front of the seat according to number. Wait until they allow you all to sit, thank them and sit. Mind your sitting posture. Leg-shakers, learn not to do it in front of the interviewers! You really don't notice you're doing that if you don't pay attention to that. Don't kill your opportunity.

These questions are really unexpected. Just be alert and I don't think you can really prepare for this :/ Read newspapers daily and this might help. If you're asked current issue, the list is here:

1. Increasing crime rate among students
2. Patriotism among teenagers
3. Parents are spending less time with their children (Ibu bapa pentingkan kerjaya daripada pendidikan anak-anak)
4. Perempuan masa kini terutamanya lepasan graduan luar negara menjadi ketua bagi kegiatan jenayah di Malaysia
5. Reality TV program give negative impact on students or not
6. Presents students are more pampered
7. 1st class infrustructure, 3rd class mentality (1st class infrastructure and 3rd class mentality still prevails)
8. Schools emphasize on academics excellence (Education system too emphasised on academics and tourism)
9. Junk food
10. Teenagers nowadays do not socialize
11. ICT: Advantages and disadvantages
12. Tahun ini ialah Tahun Melancong Malaysia. Apakah usaha yang boleh anda buat untuk melaksanakan program ini?
13. Mat dan Minah Rempit is a gang of young people who do not have direction in life, do u agree?
14. Heavy fines should be issued to litter bugs
15. Human resource
16. Drugs
17. Students who are choosy in picking their courses (Graduate unemployment is due to graduates being choosy about their job?)
18. Global warming
19. RMK 9
20. Things to prepare before going abroad
21. Children nowadays prefer to play computer games, etc
22. Violence
23. Female vs. Male in Academic Achievements
24. Reading Habit Among Youth is Declining
25. Dasar pandang ke timur
26. Corruption
27. Do you agree that bloggers should be registered?
28. Education system
29. The philosophy of a coin [the most unexpected question for me]
30. Do you think it's the right choice to categorize students into art stream and science stream?
31. Should school uniform be abolished or not
32. Tell us one strength and weakness of yours. One only
33. Pick a cartoon character that would best explain you and why
34. Picture yourself in 10 years time and what would you want to be
35. Isu-isu semasa di Malaysia pada masa kini?
36. Kemajuan sains dan teknologi membawa lebih banyak keburukan atau kebaikan
37. Your favourite TV programs and why
38. Nelayan laut dalam lebih mengutung daripada peladang
39. National Service for females should be established or not?
40. Malaysia harus membina sebuah pusat penyelidikan di kutub selatan
41. Negara barat dikatakan lebih maju dalam bidang IT. Apakah sebabnya?
42. Leadership & followership. The conclusion between leadership & followership
43. Our leader idols

44. Public Transport in Malaysia
45. Quality of Local Film vs. Foreign Film
46. Increasing crime Rate
47. Reality TV Shows (e.g.: Malaysian Idol)
48. Study Abroad vs. Study in Malaysia
49. Graduate Unemployment
50. National Service
51. Agricultural
52. Teaching of Mathematics and Science in English
53. Patriotism
54. 9th Malaysian Plan
55. How to promote our country?
56. Drug Abuse in Malaysia
57. Female vs. Male in Academic Achievements
58. Usage of Hand phone in Schools
59. Qualities of a Good Leader
60. Pollution
61. Healthy Lifestyles
62. Pros & Cons of Fast Food
63. Aspiration of Malaysia to be Center of Education Excellence vs. Sending Students Abroad
64. How will AFTA affect our Automobile Industry?
65. Vision School
66. Pros & Cons of Using Credit Card
67. Declining Reading Habit in Malaysia
68. Courtesy among Malaysians
69. Children nowadays are being pampered
70. Terrorism
71. ICT: Advantages and Disadvantages
72. White Collar Crime
73. Ways to Overcome Piracy (Counterfeit) Problem
74. 1st Class Facility, 3rd Class Mentality
75. Price of Petrol Increasing
76. Age for Driving License
77. Foreign Workers in Malaysia

Some panel gives 2 minutes to prepare for discussion. Some allocates 5 minutes. It really depends on your luck. Slide out the stationery and write fast. Think fast (I fail at brain storming) and take down the points. Don't write essay, though some people really have the ability to write a 200 word essay in 5 minutes. Just don't try it.

The interviewer will be kind enough to ask who's going to start (while some panel don't, that's rare). If you're ready, raise your hand and start. Being the first can be a good thing, or the other way. Being the first, you can share all of your points, without worrying your points being mentioned by the others. But if you are not the first one, be smart. Point stealing is commonly done in my group. They steal points and further elaborate it so that they need not to draw out new points. It's not wrong, right?

Let’s go to the personal questions part. Oh this one is another crazy one. Those who take medical, I got a little list for you to prepare:
1. How do you think about that Kursus Kerjaya Kedoktoran? (Very very common)
2. How many teeth do an adult human have?
3. How many bones do an adult human have?

And for those who take other courses:
1. How do you think can contribute as a/an (job of your course) to our country?
2. How do you think can contribute as a/an (job of your course) to achieve K economy? (I think it's about the same. K economy= Economy based on Information Technology, just boom about, ha-ha)

And weird questions include:
1. What's the name of our Yang Dipertuan Agung? (Famous question in Kelantan state, Kelantanese, be prepared and the answer is Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin, the Sultan of Terrenganu and also the 13th Sultan of Malaysia)
2. (Let your imagination goes wild, expect the worst from them... any question just to make you panic. Just answer them calmly. Er, if you really dunno, just admit it. It's only when if you REALLY don't know about that. Saying dunno too much will surely ruin your impression to them too.)

Some of the time, I noticed that if you you're asked 1 question that you dunno, and IF you keep quiet and act like thinking of it, they'll probably ask another easier question. They're kind, they won’t eat you up. Try your best to answer the second question. If you fail them once more, uh, most probably they'll not ask you any other questions anymore.

Some of the interviewers are paid to 'shoot' people. They find out the weak point of the things you said and they question about it. So, think a bit before you wanna say something, and be prepared to answer the questions they gonna shower you.

Answer them confidently and they will definitely not question you allot. They just want to know how well you speak in both language ( English and Bahasa Melayu) Those who rarely speak BM, do start now as it will not be awkward when you speak during the interview. It's a beautiful language after all.

So seat back, digest the facts and all the best! :)

.

Just Like An Onion.

2009-04-22T01:30:00.004+08:00

If only, your vision would look upon me,
If only, you could hear the sound of a heart break.

Silently watching over you,
Silently waiting for a miracle,
Silently letting myself, to be like the air,

Everyone's eating, talking and laughing,
Tonight is such a joy.

The corner most me, is laughing together with the rest,
The onion at the bottom of the plate are just like me,
Forever the,

Flavouring, Secretly watching you,
Secretly hiding myself,

If you are willing to peel open my heart,
Layer by layer,

You will discover and you will be shocked,
For you are most suppressed and deepest secret,

If you are willing to peel open my heart,
Layer by layer,

Your nose will run and you will tear,
If you can hear me,
see my wholeheartedness

Hearing you talk about you with your many other 'her'
and the blossoming loves

Me and my hopelessness act very amused,
I'm just like an onion,
Forever just the supporting actor,

When it is all over, I thought to myself,
How I wish to have with you,
A second of our own story.

my future, AGAIN?

2009-04-11T14:36:00.007+08:00

i woke up at 0645! wow i guess that's my greatest achievement so far. my grandparents wanted to have dimsum ( a chinese way of having breakfast) with the family and we normally have dimsum quite early in the morning plus grandma's favourite dimsum shop was miles away from my place.

we had a pleasant breakfast. different from my daily breakfast which were only cereals and milk lately. granddad then asked,

"so my dear, what do you plan to do next? is about time you figure out on what you want to do for the rest of your life"

wow, the rest of my life? this makes it sound that my journey was just about to start and definitely a very important decision for me to make.

i hate it when we come to this topic. having to know what you want to be. i mean, i am still so young. having to only live 10% of my life and still figuring what will the rest be like. not mentioning that i will surely live till the age of 100 years but at least a rough idea from the shallow thinking of my mind (i think) well mum and dad have been advising me allot and allot i tell you. the advice they give are now as nagging. like seriously. almost every conversation we have were based on MY FUTURE. yes they can be the one caring about me so much, know what's best for me and yada yada. but it's up to me still though. they are not going to be there with me till the end( how i wish that was possible) so yeah.

well if i wanted more time to think about? i have taken almost 4 months! and that is a long long time and i don't like the feeling that i have nothing to do. nothing to look ahead day by day. being not productive but anyhow, the very long duration did not help me on making my decision on what to become. Holy Spirit give me wisdom. Lord you show me the way. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.

in form 4, i was so into doing Law and i finalized on that. just fullstop. no more etc. i was very persistent. doing my researches on my school assignment regarding my future career (not only to complete the assignment definitely ;) , having conversations with dad's friends which were also lawyers ( it's hard to have it with dad. our opinions somehow contradicts and we will end up having an argument instead. other conversations are fine but not about his job;) i was also present in court many times to witness and follow the trial proceedings. it was very anticipating as i waited each time for judge final decision upon a certain case.

being a lawyer. NOT EASY! it's not about arguments in courts. it was more. the number of laws that lawyers had to memorized to apply during the arguments ( you are not to refer while arguing. i can't imagine) every law, every term have to be at the tip of their fingers ( i cannot even manage the few aktas for the moral subject ) and language as well. both in english and bahasa Malaysia. it wasn't about simple convincing ( where you managed to convince mum to get you an ice-cream cone. giving her the 10 reasons she should get you an ice-cream) ohh it was more! it was SOLID prove and evidence. factual arguments.

well that was back in 2007, when i merely knew nothing. then i suddenly had the passion to do international relation (IR). quite an unfamiliar course because many wouldn't choose IR for a start. IR represents the study of foreign affairs and global issues among states within the international system. where you get involve with the high commissions, being diplomats, country representative. (and our recent prime minister's eldest son is also doing this though) well is not that i fancy the political world.

i would want to get involve in a career that involves the outdoor. one where you can mingle with people of all sort. having to talk with the smart ones. mum arranged for me to have lunch with the Australian high commissions when they visited our country not long ago (why did she send the OZ? maybe she thought that i wouldn't be convinced by the locals. haha) they knew allot! not only about their country surprisingly also about ours (more than i did i have to confess) this means dealing with more of facts and more books, factual books and not novels. i like getting to know about facts. from world histories, rocket science till knowing about the latest piece from Karl Lagerfeld. nice

you see how my choice of courses change? i don't know i do not know! how did i know what to do when i do not know about anything.

i will someday change again... modeling perhaps;) and then again.

we plan, only GOD decides

just another day.

2009-04-10T23:33:00.007+08:00

i followed mom in the afternoon for tahlil (a ceremony after a death, in this case because tahlil can be a ceremony of many occasions) i had nothing better else to do at home so mum asked me to come along. it was someone from her office.

mum went in to chat and mingle around while i sat outside. i was in baju kurung and then i over heard this conversation of a few ladies.

' ish, ish ish, remeja zaman sekarang memang kurang ajar. Datang berpakaian tak complete. pakai la selendang kalau susah sangatt nak pakai tudung. panas la kat cuaca sekarang. global warming

and they walk away. i mean did they have that conversation on purpose in front of me. speaking out loud that i could hear every word? but then again, it did not hurt me a bit. they definitely had mistaken me for a malay. but with the sepet eyes. haha.

then later when food was served, i had a conversation with one of mum's friend. everyone around started to ask, ni anak siapa nie? haha. mum could speak very well in malay as well. cina celup nie said one of them. but i use to suck in speaking the malay language. true! but after the boarding school life, i've learn allot. but i still get tersasul as times though.

then came one aunty from the group earlier that mentioned about me dressing incompletely. she brought her son to mum and was mentioning about him wanting to have a word with dad ( most probably about him wanting to become a lawyer) and the ' eh puan, mana your anak? i heard that you bawa dia sekali and when she pointed as me, oh you should just see her face. haha

a true winner

2009-04-10T01:07:00.005+08:00

there's this very strange thing about me and blogging, there are just days where the ideas just keep pouring in and i wish to type endlessly but there are also just times where, nahh not in the mood and yeap, i'm feeling the mood thing now! ;)

i thank God for wonderful friends and people around me to give me support all these while. and also not forgetting Him that is always watching over us. making sure we have all our needs. cheering you up in time of need. making sure that everything is fine, just fine. My dad up in the heavens is doing a great job :)

i have been doing pretty much nothing at home at the moment. wasting my time though, but nahh i still choose not to start on studying yet. well after the rejected scholarships and me not knowing where to go after this, i just continue to surrender everything to Him and let Him lead and show me the way. well, if you do not fall, you will not know how to rise up again. if you have been always on the top, you will not know how people on the bottom feel.

if everyone wants to be winners, will there be any competition then? well among the winners, there will be losers. being a loser doesn't mean being one all the time. rise up and compete! upon that a real winner will be birth out. it is the strength of rising up from a nothing to a someone makes you a winner, a true winner!

the detours that i'm facing now are very much like trials, obstacles to distract me. life would definitely be boring if everything works out as planned though;) so these lessons are to teach me, to stand up again. no way i am going to mourn and cry about it. learn from your mistakes and do not fall back to them!

a prayer.

2009-04-10T00:08:00.006+08:00

have you ever have the feeling that you want to achieve so many heights but just do not know where to start? Just too jealous of the successful people already on top of the ladders and you only at the bottom just wondering how would you want to climb your ladder?

way back before people were applying for scholarships, google- ING about what to do next, pre- u or just the diploma course, i had it done after my trials and the best thing was, i when through ALL sorts of scholarship interviews. with hopes as high as a mountain, ' i will at least get one out of the many interviews' but i was so wrong. Although i managed through many stages and there were just endless streams of stages, the finale.

'Although your extra-curricular activities and qualifications are remarkable, the competition has been very keen and we regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for the scholarship program.

Once again, we thank you for your time and effort and we wish you every
success in your future academic endeavors.

??? just speechless! i have taken the IQ test, character test, numerical test oh you just name it! all sort of tests and it is just so frustrating when you walk out from the interview room all so confident that you did well but unfortunately nothing comes out from it. all the effort of researches, having to know about the course, the university that you want to be in, it's just so tiring. i sometimes, most of the times envy most of my friends just having to go through one process of the interview session and getting it just like that! well, i must confess that they earn it of course but they do not have to worry about applying for another one. on the other side, myself, just endless application and not getting any! i'm just to tired of hoping on any. it's just tiring!

back when i was in high school i had wild dreams. wanting to graduate from oxford, first degree honest, work with ernst and young, you just name it even being a CEO of some huge big pretty company! but now, my dreams seem so unreachable. as the say, a journey of success begins with a first step. well i don't see my first step. i don't know how to start my first step. it taught me a lesson never to put my hopes and dreams too high. now i am afraid of not achieving them!

now comes the part of getting my not very outstanding results in the recent spm. another turn off. not only to myself, my parents, the teachers in school and oh just a turn off. a disappointment! now when i the time to reflect back, the 5 years in boarding school was just a waste. why on earth did i take the trouble to go all the way to the south but here students in penang can also achieve even better results than i did. i don't see the outcome of me going so far and bringing back nothing!

and then again, All things will work out well if we continue to put our trust in Him. i believe that my God has a plan for me. a plan to give me a hope and a future and never to harm me. He might be preparing me for a war that i don't see, do not realize. He must be giving me more time to myself at the moment, thinking and reflecting upon what i have been doing. sometimes we need breaks along the way. just time to ourselves. quiet times.

they are not the mistakes that i have regretted, just another lesson to learn from along the journey of life.

Dear God,
I need Your strength to stand up again
You see the needs of Your child
she needs You Lord
AMEN.

as you humble yourself

2009-03-26T23:22:00.004+08:00

reading : revelation 3:20
Here I stand at the door and knock.
if you hear me calling,open the door.
I will come in and we will share a meal
as friends.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends.And some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Be good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It is never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

guess what?

2009-03-25T11:36:00.001+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Here is the analysis:

1. You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.

2. You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.

3. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.

4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

6. You are a shopaholic. You love to shop until you drop

7. You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves. ~Martin Luther King, Jr

2009-03-22T12:35:00.001+08:00

To say of something which is that it is not,
or to say of something which is not that it is, is false.
However, to say of something which is that it is,
or of something which is not that it is not, is true

the Aristotelian definition of truth

2009-03-20T12:08:00.001+08:00

' So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long as lives this, this gives life to thee.'

A PLAY - bewitched, bothered and bewildered -

2009-03-20T11:43:00.002+08:00

I : PROLOGUE

In the bright morning,
I woke up with a sigh,
The yellow mynahs chirping,
At a tree, so high....

The colourful butterfly fluttered by,
As I looked out the window,
It's a wonderful sight I can't deny,
With sheep and lamb gazing at the meadow.

The fascinating scent of roses,
Blended well with the smell of wet, wooden oaks,
The pleasant aroma of strong coffee wafted as I sipped,
Warm, dark, bitter potion down my throat.

II : APPROACH

The chair creaked, the plate cluttered,
Someone is sitting down for breakfast,
Surprised...my imagination wandered,
I left the table in haste.

The tv tuned, the radio played,
Only God knew how fearful that moment was,
Alone, waiting for salvation, I prayed,
Time passed, didn't know how long has pass.

III : THE MURDER.

I was killed, eaten and no less,
By a bunch of goons, called vampires,
I was laid to rest, a restless rest,
Unhappy soul, the vicious cycle continues.

IV : AWAKENING

My charming man beside me,
Spooning me with cake and cream,
I had been unconscious, oh I see....
And it was all a stupid dream.

Of City and Lost Integrity.

2009-03-20T11:10:00.004+08:00

Nothing new. I have witnessed a plethora more before this;

it has probably even happened since the Stone Age.
Such is the legacy of Homo sapiens, a
species which eternally carves a web of destruction.
The 'zeitgeist' is a weed to me, when one gets exterminated, five sprout again.

Shall I label it a plague? This virus infects the simple individual, morphing them
into lesser mammals. Come to think of it,
mammals never assault their families. Where then should harbingers of this plague be classified,
if not into lesser creatures? Lesser monsters? Not like they care, though.
They only wish to remain outside thick iron columns where they belong.

I see the crimson, stained on my vision.
I remember the blood, the cries, the violence, everything.
A memento of my burden of responsibility.
This case was an unussually elementary arrest, considering his room housed a fresh corpse, or rather, what was a corpse. An Autopsy was necessary to identify contents of the bag ;
unrecognizable limbs and pieces.

Before the gaze of hate, stood the essence of evil, a demon. It testified to the slaughter of a maiden, the victim of madness, his soul mate.
He is a thief, stealing her time, her future. He is a coward, attacking a helpless damsel.
He is a fool, mincing a woman, his life partner, his bride.
Thankfully, justice has arms and employs a scale by which there is no redemption.

It is deja vu a thousand times over to me,
meaning the pain of thousands immolated on the altar of destruction.
I am but a mortal, a caretaker moving weed on an endless plain
only for it to return more than ever.
What will the community of man notice this insult?
Need more souls be taken from us in this international outrage?

for crying out loud!

2009-03-10T15:25:00.000+08:00

“ Two ducks check into a hotel,” said Eamon. ' Best hotel in Kilcarney. Big weekend for the ducks. But – no, listen. They get up to their rooms and discover they don't have any condoms. No problem says the man duck – I'll get room service to send some up. Call down to room service. Eventually the boy appears with the condoms. He says – Do you want me to put these in your bill, sir? And the duck, he says – Do I look like some kind of pervert to you?'

some things just never change.

2009-03-10T00:49:00.003+08:00

" but we get angry when career-seeking women,
shandy ladies and certain starlets
and actresses use every opportunity to display their
anatomy unasked!''

lackadaisical.

2009-03-09T19:47:00.009+08:00

and again another day to attempt. with doubts about what is going to happen, will i win a lottery or perish in a car crash. the recent occasions abruptly striked me in my mind. events were sketched, melodies were heard, faces i recall. i paint, me on the brinks. as i dived to not worry about what my tomorrow will bring. another day is like a stolid child to candies, a blind man without his walking stick - liveless. a heart no wanting to beat. well, just another phase of life that everyone will have to go through. you can't only have your ups all the time. there are also the downs.

to be who you are

is to be enough.

to share who you are

is to share enough.

to do what you love

is to do enough.

there is no race to win

and nothing to be proven.

only dreams to be nurtured.

a self to be expressed

and love to be shared.

never doubt your worth

and always know

without any doubt,

that you are truly valued.

.it wasn't for her to decide.

2009-02-27T01:49:00.008+08:00

Things were different, you used to earn on what not gotten but once you have it, it's just different. We are all human. I have been trying real hard. But things have not fallen into place as I wanted. No one to be blame actually, I was putting in false hope wrong person and i my senses weren't working right as well. It was easy for you to say that, ' We should just keep just as we are....' I loved it as well at the beginning but soon I found out it was difficult to manage those words. Even more difficult to put those words into practice. As I wait patiently for your call that never seemed to reach me, I had to lower down my ego to do that call. I wasn't sure on what I was hoping from you myself. Yes, not right timing. Both confused what is our feelings trying to tell us.

When i noticed how much you cared for her, I was just too envious. How you took care of her by making sure everything was fine, by always making things work out the way she wanted. I just lost hope. I had no place in the picture, in your picture. I am telling myself again and again to wake up from my little fantasy world. It's time I face the truth. Its good that you have the thing of getting into one serious relationship and I do not want to spoil it. She is a fine lady herself. You have picked right. She must be really lucky to have someone like you. If she doesn't knows that, I do. Take care of her, love her. Tell her how much you care.

I know things are very messy at the moment and we both definitely need some time alone. Do not bother regretting on what was done, the decisions made, as all have already come to past. Memories will remain as they are and it is also time for us to move on. I do not see where both of us are going. Both trying so hard to please each other but forgot about ourselves. I hope things will work out fine. I, myself do not know how do I want things to be. I just want to hear those laughs we once had, the smiles once seen and not two strangers walking on separate roads. And yes i was wrong about just going with the flow. There is more beyond of what's unseen. It is now up to us both on how things should workout. I can't be doing this alone as it works both ways.

a confession.

2009-02-25T23:48:00.001+08:00

i love you dad.

its not what you think.

2009-02-13T17:13:00.002+08:00

I was at Eden yesterday.

Mum was craving for seafood and i don't know why she craved so badly and mum,

please don't surprise me with a third child.

She also had a friend to join us. They had seafood while my tummy didn't feel like having seafood, i had salad instead.

I was talking to Sean about school and what have i been doing

which i didn't know how to answer that.

I haven't been doing anything like technically nothing!

That explains why dad has been so mad at me.

Going back, when i was talking and then AAAHHHH!!! i broke my toe nail!

My big toe nail on the left.

Well, my toe nails were pretty long and i was lifting and placing it down against the foot rest below the table until! OUUCHH!

It was awfully painful. I was in agony.

My mum was like , ' Don't be a drama queen. Show me where.'

It was bleeding and goshhh i just couldn't see blood and neither mum could.

She got the car and she sent me to the clinic. Oh goshh you should see Sean's face. He was laughing i tell you. I'll get you Sean!

When we were in the clinic.

The idiot doctor was just looking and staring at my toe.

Do something about it!

He might be thinking that it's ridiculous to go to the clinic just over a broken toe nail and maybe does not have any idea how to attend to that nail of mine.

And i was, SOO?? Then he started cutting my toe nail and i screamed hard. Real hard i tell you.

It was horribly painful! He gave me an injection on my right arm to avoid the wound from being infected and also another close to my toe to numb it since he couldn't do much as i didn't allow him to touch it as it was extremely painful.

Even after the injection, i could still feel the pain but i had to get over it. Bit my teeth hard and mann i was in grieve. It was just a toe and i'm already acting as if it's a major surgery. I SOO do not know how mum managed giving birth to the two of us!

My toe really tortured me. I couldn't sleep well nor walk well.

I woke up early as mum decided to take me to the clinic to do some dressing.

As i lifted the toe of mine, it glided against my comforter and again causing the pain!

Hell it was HELL!

And then as i walked down my steps, i tripped as there was a small puddle of water and

i screamed for the maid! It might get me killed!

My toe hit straight towards the wall and i screamed again.

Like crying out load. It was so uncomfortable having a wounded toe.

In the clinic, the doctor took off the bandage and said that i should air the wound as it will heal faster. I was sent to my apartment as mum didn't want me to walk too much.

As i entered the front door, i literally forgot about the step before my front door and hurt my toe again! GOSHH, i was suppose to be more careful with this disable toe of mine but things turned out the other way round. Oh God!

Things were so not the same when i was in kl. Haha. I'm serious.

Little misfortunes that i got myself into. I forgot to close my balcony's door which made me got sniffles and not mentioning my air conditional was at 16 degrees. I always have this spot under a huge tree which i'll place my lazy chair and read a book in the evenings which now has been taken by this other guy which God knows where he came from.

I know it's public property but sti-ILL!!

But i thought to myself again, it's not the little misfortunes that i got myself into. It is the state that i am in. Well when you are in love, you tend to think about the person you love allot, remembering the days together, how you guys met yada yada yada.... Yea. Pretty much like that i suppose. So when you start thinking about this person of yours you tend to not bother about what's happening around you and tadaaaa slips,trips and you name it. Haha.

I am still laughing about it!

you tell me.

2009-02-11T23:27:00.001+08:00

MEN are guided NOT by theirs brains BUT

their eyes and GENITALS

-Joan Rivers-

twenty two

2009-02-10T04:01:00.007+08:00

1.I once dreamt of driving an uber sexy red Cadillac XLR Roadster and i finally decided that dad should get me one for my 21st birthday.

2. i'm still confused on getting an iphone or not.

3. i must learn how to play POOL!! dad has to get me a pool table and an instructor real quick.

4.Coffee doesn't keeps me awake. Its just my mindset.

5. I want my father to be present when I get married. But I want my brother to walk me down the aisle.

6. I love my patrick. He answers to my calls, and when I talk to him, he always knows what to reply. When I cry, he sits on my lap. When things are okay, he's always somewhere nearby. Like right now, he's under my bed. My puppy is awesome

7. I love musicals. I never miss watching the Tony Awards and I desperately want to visit Broadway one day.

8. I'm very nostalgic. Each year I have a box where I would keep the things that people gave me. Even if it was a crappy piece of paper.

9. I want a Tag Heuer Diamond Link watch!

10. I love to dream BIG but i'm also afraid of not achieving it.

11. I love standing out. Who wants to be like everyone else?

12. I've got this new addiction for perfumes!

13. I have more than 20 teddy bears lying beside me everynight and i still want more. speak about being greedy. but i can't help it. i just love teddy bears.

14. i simply love surprises!

15. i get really excited when getting a text message. i don't know how did that come about but yeap.

16. since i haven't decided on a haircut that suits me well i was thinking i should shave my hair bald so that i can change my hairstyle everyday. WIGS! haha

17. i currently have nothing to do but to just waste time as i do not want to start studying. i'm just not prepared. not yet on driving which sometimes is because i'm very afraid of managing a car. i'm serious. it's like you controlling this GIGANTIC machine which doesn't wants to listen to you.

18. i love tea parties!

19. i love the combination of red and white as to red and black.

20. garlic is my all time favorite ingredient! it goes well with any food. but i don't like it raw.

21. i simply love SUSHI!

22. i have the fear of growing old. i don't want to bare responsibilities!

listen.

2009-02-10T03:44:00.003+08:00

experience is what you get

when you do not follow instructions.

what i love about you.

2009-02-09T22:32:00.004+08:00

I love when you make me smile.
I love when you make me laugh.
I love when you say,' Baby it's alright. Everything is going to workout just fine'

I love when you gaze into my eyes.
I love when you hold me tight.
I love to sit by your side to see you drive.

I love to hold your hand while you drive.
I love to talk on the phone with you. All night long.
I love when your arms are around me.

I love when you kiss my forehead.
I love when you play with my hair

I love when you call me yours.
I love when you care.
I love when you worry about me.
I love you for being you.

ponder upon it.

2009-02-09T22:23:00.005+08:00

I personally believe the best training is management by example.

Don't believe what i say.

Believe what i do.

-Carlos Ghosn-

i'm in love.

2009-02-09T22:04:00.009+08:00

I never really knew you.

I thought you were just another friend.

But when I got to know you,I let my heart unbend.

I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry.

I had to forget my first love and give love another try.

When you love someone so deep inside.

It seems like it's so easy to hide.

You've loved him for so very long.

You would think he could do no wrong.

Every day you would hope and pray.
That he would always stay this way.

i think i am i love.

Ask and u shall NOT be given.

2009-01-28T13:09:00.004+08:00

I asked for Strength
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom
And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage
And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love
And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors
And God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed!

love is.

2009-01-27T01:59:00.006+08:00

Love suffers long and is kind.

Love does not envy .

Love does not parade itself.

Love is not puffed up does not behave rudely.

Love does not seek its own, is not provoked.

Love thinks no evil.

Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.

Love bears all things.

Love believes all things.

Love hopes all things.

Love endures all things.

Love never fails.

i have learnt.

2009-01-27T01:32:00.008+08:00

After coming back from lunch, as I walked to my house gate.

Pause, where are my house keys? Damn it. Its on my dressing table.

I woke up late, totally forgot about lunch with the rest.

Had a quick shower and there, i left my keys.

The maid went to grandma's as they had to prepare for tommorow.

I entered the car and off to the mall to kill time. Parents were at grandma's, helping out.

Well, not that I didn't want to go but there were so many people there already.

Don't quite like the crowded environment. I didnt want to walk. I just had no mood.

It wasn't my day I guess.

I sat alone at coffee bean. As I gaze out the shop's mirror,

the memories of what happened rushed in like a gust of wind.

As it was just yesterday you were around. It was long since we talked.

Just too long. Both busy with our own obligations. Well I do think of you time to time tho.

Even in the midst of so many things running in my mind.

Your name slips in my head.

Sometimes I wonder, should I just tell you? Then again. I had no guts.

Things were just different after you left.

I can only recall what happened during the good old days.

No frequent calls or text messeges.

As we grew apart, things reversed.

Memories remained as they are.

Waves are now still waters.

Paper hearts are now ashes.

Ashes blown by the wind.

Not even the slightest sight of it.

As I sketched your face on my mind.

Being only with you.

Your smile that always makes my day.

Those are already history.

You were different.

It has been long since we knew each other.

But not at this state.

But I have learnt allot.

Its definitely not as easy as getting to know each other and then a relationship.

It takes more than that.

More effort. More time spent.

Getting to know each other beyond what expect.

Friends will remain as friends and nothing more.

A friend will react differently if mentioned your feelings towards.

Its just a norm.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain.

Nor the future with its untold stories.

But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't tell you who you are.

I can only love you and be your friend.

Oh well, another day to face tomorrow with no regrets.

Just another lesson learnt.

i miss.

2009-01-25T22:10:00.017+08:00

well it has been only a month or so since i left school

I am already starting to miss them.

I miss the laughters together.

I miss the familiar faces.

I miss studying at night with friends.

I miss the late night movies.

I just miss u, guys.

I was strong headed back then.

' .......I will not miss any of this i tell u....'

those were my words back then.

My years there, the experiences gained, memories.......

you had definetly taught me allot.

how to smile in a time of trouble.

how to stand firm on both my feet.

how to not judge but to love.

titanz.

Grooming!

we did have fun. so much of it infact!

thumbs up for ms lai.

she isn't bad after all.

all for our better future.

this was during the kyser's weekend.

ohh, we had talent i tell you.

we did this indian dance.

illya was definitely the star of the night!

i can't imagine my 5 years without friends like you wonderful people.
bringing in the lovely memories.
it keeps getting better.

my dorm. my girls.

how i miss the midnight pillow talks.

late night snacks together.

grumbling about the teachers.

haha. i stil love u girls.

these 10 girls have made the year 2008 an

unforgettable one.

5 Rajin.

A class of disaster they say.

many teachers gave up on us.

too noisy, too lazy

all said

we had our way.

we didn't give up along the way.

we were on each other's back!

slowly we climbed the ladder.

we had our way.

they always have something in mind.

owh the two rascal. i will never forget.
always bringing laughter to the class.

Another moment together.

the girls are lovely.

the guys, naughty as they are, they are stil awesome ppl i tell you.

my dear friends out there.

we are all going our separate ways already.

the years together shall we remember.

keep the sweet, neglect the bitter.

The hardest part of any friendship is when it is time to say goodbye.

As much as we might like things to stay the same, change is an inevitable part of life.

The universe may seem huge and the rift between friends on opposite side of the world may seem a great distance indeed.

There are many tools available with which we can communicate

such as letters, phones, email etc.

Even without these tools, there is a secret that only real friends know, and it is this.

All the mountains and valleys in the world cannot separate friends whose hearts are as one.

my 5 years there, priceless.....

25 random facts.

2009-01-25T21:22:00.011+08:00

1. i love the smell of pacific paradise, escada. it just smells so nice. but i can't get it anymore since it's a limited edition scent. BUT dad! i want it i want it! i only have my empty bottle to look at right now.

2. i will never play bowling ever in my life since i've got a history about it and i will never even think of holding the bowling ball again.

3. I have been afraid of the dark and still am.

4. I still think that there's a monster in everyone's closet which wants to come out to play and i make sure that my closet is always close to ensure that mr monster gets the message that he has no invitation into my room. lol

5. I believe my imagination can run really really wild at times.

6. i sleep really late and get up really early and that explains why i've not been growing taller.

7. i tell my mum literally EVERYTHING! I'm serious.

8.i LOVE the sun!

9. i love talking on the phone for long hours rather than texting and i still don't know why. that can be proven through my phone bills though. lol

10. i hate when dad starts telling me what to do. it bugs me and he always wants things to go his way. it's not fair!

11. i trust people too very easily. the advise not to talk to strangers isn't working as i find everyone so nice until and unless they bitch me.

12. i love going to the nail parlour to do my nails.

13. i've learnt keeping problems to yourself makes it worst. so i've been getting hold of people that i CAN trust and showering them with my problems.

14. i love to see the sun set and rise.

15. i want to be smart but i do NOT want to work and i seriously do not know how can the two fuse but yeap.

16. i'm afraid of men. NO. seriously. is not as if they bite but. they're like tigers always watching out for victims. they have nothing to lose while the ladies..EVERYTHING!

17. i want to learn ballroom dancing.

18. i love DESSERTS!

19. i'm still yet to discipline myself to start getting enough of sleep to grow taller and i still want to grow taller!

20. i would want to climb mount everest before i die.

21. i'm addicted to coffee and my whole body system will not be functioning well if i hadn't drank any for the day.

22. i love dresses. although the number of dresses are outnumbered. i still want plenty and plenty of them.

23. Love is the best feeling in the world. Those cliches people coined? Yeah, they exist for a reason.

24. i would want a guy that is smarter than i am. sounds silly but yeap. him accepting me for how 'unsmart' of me. he can then teach me and i would definitely love to learn from him. it's much easier for you to learn from someone you love and adore. you get to spend more time with him still though=P

25. i'm still yet to find him.

a start!

2008-03-15T18:18:00.001+08:00

i don't know what put me into this, but i just felt i need to start blogging.WHY??i guess i gotta try dis way-of-expressing-how-u-feel kinda thing n yes, having to deal with screens n keyboard.Wonder who started with the blogging idea?A smart way of having to let the world know how one's feels.I guess everyone wants to be heard.Its just like draining large sum of cash to an unknown , them hearing u out for a few sessions and somehow giving advises.Its a similar concept altogether.Comments as advises,viewers as doctors.Not making conclusions about psychologist but I'm just trying to understand this whole image of this new generation.